Cinderella complex, a mental condition experienced by many women & bull; hello healthy

The character of Cinderella in the classic fairy tale by Charles Perault is depicted as a young woman who has been languishing under the torment of her mother and her cruel stepbrother since her father's death. Cinderella's life suddenly turns into extraordinary luck when she meets her dream prince at a dance party.

The glass shoes and elegant sky blue dress combined with Cinderella's beauty amazed all who attended the palace. Her story and the magic of the fairy godmother's wand make this one fairy tale timeless.

But you know what? The Cinderella fairy tale turns out to be the background of a psychological condition commonly found in women in modern times like today.

The term Cinderella Complex (CC) is a modern psychiatric term that was first coined by Colette Dowling, a New York therapist and author of the book "The Cinderella Complex", After finding a deep conflict that occurred in women, which is related to independence. She explained that since birth women in general are not educated to face their fears, and are not taught to deal with all their problems themselves.

Although Cinderella Complex has not been officially recognized as a psychological condition, still, CC is an interesting concept to keep in mind and could explain the psychological condition of some women.

What causes Cinderella Complex?

Culturally and historically, men are thought to be responsible for providing for household needs, and women who prepare them for the family. However, it cannot be denied that with the times, women now have more flexibility in determining their life path, such as traveling around the world, having higher education, and independent careers.

Even so, society has built an image of the dreamed woman who has subtle attitudes and behavior, is gentle, is willing to suffer, and is loyal. He is expected to accept all living conditions, even the bitter ones.

The norms and values ​​that grow in society are very thick with patriarchal principles that emphasize certain restrictions in terms of gender, showing the position and role of men who are more dominant than women. Men are educated to be independent and tough. Also systematically, women are educated that happy ending in fairy tales can come true, one day they will be "saved". Women are raised to depend on a man and feel helpless and terrified without a man by their side. Women have been taught (maybe even unconsciously) to believe that as women, they cannot stand alone, that they are too fragile, too gentle, too needing protection. The opposite of the boy who is taught that the savior of his life is himself and the decisions he makes himself. This view indirectly forces women to depend on men and is expected to become a person who is always submissive and obedient to men's power.

The tendency of women to depend on men is largely a pent up feeling. Addiction is a scary thing. Powerlessness makes women anxious because this feeling reminds us of childhood, when we were still helpless and needed the help of others. We do everything we can to hide these needs from ourselves - especially in this day and age, where there is a new push from society towards self-sufficiency and justice for women. This inner conflict is the root of the problem for almost all women, which affects how women think, act and speak.

This hidden feeling does not only affect some women. Dowling believes that Cinderella Complex to haunt all women.

The result of differences in parenting styles for boys and girls

Cinderella Complex is closely related to parenting. Girls tend to receive less encouragement to be independent with more protective parenting, and less pressure to build a strong self-identity. The relationship between girls and parents that tends to be more harmonious also has a strong role in the child's inadequate exploration of the values ​​of independence. As a result, girls tend to have low life skills and lack of self-confidence, because they only know how to depend on other people for their lives. Meanwhile, boys are hardened to control themselves and the environment around them, and are forced to abandon spoiled and dependent attitudes, because these two attitudes are considered feminine.

But for a woman, her identity begins to be printed as she grows up to become what society expects from a woman. The phenomenon that occurs in society is that beautiful and gentle young girls will receive a "gift" in the form of a handsome and handsome male boyfriend. Slowly but surely, he will be directed to become a submissive partner.

A woman who is too dependent on other people will be labeled "spoiled" and considered unattractive, but a woman who is confident about showing her independence is labeled "bossy" and "tomboy", not ideal characteristics that men want in finding a partner.

What are the characteristics if I have Cinderella Complex?

A woman with Cinderella Complex dreams of a life-saving partner, someone who can protect, nurture, and provide for everything she needs. You see it in the housewife who has to ask her husband's permission to simply buy a dress; in an independent woman who is unable to sleep at night when her partner is out of town; in women who are suddenly widowed or divorced who feel depressed and helpless because they have to take care of themselves.

Cinderella Complex leads to ineffective behavior at work, feeling anxious about success, to the stage of fear that her independence will lose the essence of her femininity as a woman. It is not surprising, given that the close relationship between femininity and independence goes back to ancient times. Trapped in a transition between two different concepts of femininity, many women are still emotionally reluctant to commit to independence. Dowling believes that there is a clear relationship between the fear of being independent and the fact in society that the economic condition of women is still below that of men;

Eighteen per cent of working Indonesian women are heads of households. And nearly half of the women whose husbands are willing and able to support their families tend to choose not to work. Society continues to support the idea that wives and mothers should have the choice not to work. As a result of being given this choice, many middle-class women are taking jobs as a kind of experiment - on a trivial side.

On the one hand, modern women have now got all the freedoms they have struggled so desperately for. But ironically, society still divides women into two categories: "beautiful women" and "smart women." And according to the public view, these two categories are very contradictory. It is considered that a woman can only be one of the two options above. If a woman has beauty and intelligence, she is likely to be "dumped" by society: disliked by other women because of jealousy, and shunned by men because they feel inferior and don't know how to act in front of you.

This becomes a turning point for young women when they are faced with the cultural realities of today's society: What must I do to balance intelligence and beauty in order to be accepted by society?

The image of the ideal woman formed in society, which depicts a woman as a gentle person and plays a good role in the kitchen and in the bedroom, actually destabilizes a woman's sense of self-confidence in her own abilities, making her even less independent. So, unconsciously, many women until now are still secretly waiting for an external factor, namely a man, to come and change their lives. Thus, we are trapped in a binding condition: Cinderella Complex.

Then, the big question arises:

Can women get away from the Cinderella Complex?

A woman can be a wife, mother and independent individual. These three variables are independent and are not related to each other. The helplessness we feel is just an excuse.

The first and most important thing is to recognize the extent to which fear has taken over your life. Keep a self-observational journal, jotting down your dreams and fantasies and the realities you are currently dealing with. Join the women's community, or be diligent in getting together with your close friends to share and honestly open up. Once we can recognize our fears, from there we can slowly challenge ourselves, slowly but surely, re-educate ourselves to realize our inner potential.