Recognizing possessiveness that can damage your relationship

The desire to have is a natural thing when someone has a partner. However, if the desire to have is so excessive that your partner becomes restrictive, it can actually reduce intimacy and even build an unhealthy relationship. At this stage, excessive sense of belonging is often referred to as possessiveness.

What you need to understand, possessiveness itself does not only occur in relationships. Sometimes, there are phases in which children feel possessive of the things they have, parents towards their children, or are too controlling to friends, family, and colleagues. So, what does possessiveness mean? What are the signs that someone has this trait and how to overcome it?

What is possessiveness?

According to the Big Indonesian Dictionary, possessiveness is to feel like the owner. However, psychologically, possessiveness means more than that. A psychologist Ashley Hampton said, possessiveness is often the beginning of controlling, controlling, or controlling other people. Therefore, possessiveness is often referred to as controlling behavior.

Possession tends to start very slowly and is often difficult to detect at first. In a love relationship, this trait is often seen as a form of attention and affection from the partner.

However, this controlling trait is not really a sign of romance, care, or affection. This is a person's way of dealing with feelings of jealousy, fear, insecure, or lack of confidence in your partner.

Outside of romantic relationships, nature controlling behavior this can be demonstrated by a series of acts of manipulation, exploitation, and intimidation of a person for selfish reasons. Unconsciously, these things have robbed other people of their freedom. As for this it can lead to forms of harassment, including abusive relationship.

In certain conditions, possessiveness can also be an indicator that there are serious mental health problems, such as bipolar disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or even schizophrenia.

What makes a person possessive?

Some of the conditions that may be the cause of possessiveness are:

1. Comfort when in control

The ability to control other people gives you a feeling of security, because you have the power to keep things stable. However, this convenience can be addictive, so you continue to want to be in control. When in fact, this character can actually mean a lack of confidence in yourself.

2. Dependence excessively

Being too dependent on your partner or other people will make you a possessive person. You may always want to be with your partner, and may subconsciously be blocking his or her freedom of association with other people.

3. Hidden fear

Hidden fears or anxieties, such as fear of being pityed by others, fear of abandonment, fear of experiencing painful emotions, or fear of failure (perfectionism, including having a perfectionist partner) can trigger this trait. Usually, this is also related to traumatic events that have occurred in the past, such as being abandoned by loved ones.

4. Lack of trust

Lack of confidence in relationships can also be one reason. You may feel unhealthy or unreasonably jealous of your partner, or you are unsure that your coworker can get the job done.

What are the signs that you are possessive?

Most people do not realize that they are possessive or in a controlling relationship. To get to know him better, here are the signs that you, your partner, or your relative is being possessive:

1. Keep an eye on you all the time

If your partner, relative, or family keeps calling and asking where you are and who you are with, it may be a sign of their being possessive. This may seem like a form of concern for you. However, a controlling person will keep in touch even if you are busy or in a threatening situation.

For example, if you are traveling with a friend, a possessive partner will always contact you to make sure that you are safe and that you are still theirs.

2. Arrange with whom you can hang out

Not only worrying about you when you're with other people, the controlling person is also starting to make arrangements with whom you can hang out with. Not to protect, this was done because he was jealous. For example, your partner will forbid you from seeing friends, because you become less attentive when you hang out with other people.

3. Often criticize

Criticism is necessary to improve your life and self-worth. However, constant, condescending or hurtful criticism from relatives, spouse, or family could be a sign that they are trying to control yourself. This also includes criticizing trivial things, such as the way you drink coffee, dress, and even significant ones, such as your career choices.

4. Makes you feel guilty or find fault with

The controlling person tries to make you feel guilty, or continues to find fault with you when you don't act the way he wants you to. In fact, what he wants is not always right. That way, you will continue to apologize and he will always be able to control you.

5. Having unstable emotions

Another trait of a possessive person is emotional instability and mood. Often times, controlling people get angry easily when you do something that isn't appropriate or that they think is wrong. In fact, sometimes, threats, such as suicidal thoughts, or physical abuse may be made so that you can comply.

How do you deal with someone who is possessive?

Having problems in a relationship, whether with spouses, friends, relatives, or others, can be resolved with proper communication and understanding. Therefore, the first steps you can take when dealing with a possessive partner or if you have relatives or friends with similar traits, it's a good idea to discuss this with them.

If he just can't accept it or even triggers a fight, then maybe it's time you asked to break up with your boyfriend or partner, or get out of this harmful relationship. Granted, breaking up with other people is not as easy as it seems.

If it feels difficult or if leaving it actually puts you at risk, there's nothing wrong with asking someone you trust for help. You can also seek counseling with a mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist, who can help relieve your mental burden.

How to get rid of possessiveness?

Possessiveness will not make your relationship last, but it will make your partner want to "escape" from your restraint. Too much control over your partner's life and making too many restrictions can make him feel that you don't trust him. If you are one of these possessive people, here are ways you can apply to get rid of it:

1. Don't indulge in emotions

When triggers for your possessiveness arise and affect your emotions, such as jealousy, it's best to take a moment and understand what is going on inside of you. Acting rashly by indulging these emotions can actually hurt other people's feelings. While pausing for a moment, you can also meditate to overcome negative thoughts and reduce the excessive anxiety you feel.

2. Explore your past

Past events can be one of the causes for the emergence of possessiveness. Therefore, you need to trace events in the past that might have caused this trait to appear.

If you have found it, forget the bad memories and focus on your life right now. Don't forget to communicate with your partner, friends, or relatives who might help them understand you better.

3. Build a sense of trust

Often, a person feels the need to control other people because they lack trust in that person. You may worry that your coworker doesn't get a job well done or that your partner will flirt with other people when you're not with you.

If you feel this, it's best to start cultivating your trust in others. If you expect others to believe in you, then you must believe in others too. If you believe in yourself about your abilities at work or will never flirt with other people, then you need to be able to trust your co-workers or spouse to do the same.